Welp, every day I get stronger. Today is the first day I can pull myself up from lying down without coughing. I’m breathing deeper and not getting winded walking around.
Every couple hours I’ve set to walk around the kitchen table atleast ten times or more, and have done some yoga moves while sitting down to stretch out my body.
So recovery is slower than I, my husband, family and friends had expected. Some days I can sit around with people (like two to three, and that includes Andrew). But I’m not really ready for visitors, unless you’re my mom or step-mom, that really doesn’t count.
This whole debacle has given me some fresh perspective this year. Before this, literally right before, we celebrated my sisters one year of sobriety. This was a huge milestone for her and our family because my step father (her dad) passed away because of drugs. While sitting at dinner with his family and my own, old feelings of hurt came up. He was abusive to me, and everyone knew, but no one did anything. Which really upset me then and apparently still upset me that night. I always asked myself, “why didn’t anyone say or do anything to stick up for me?”
Now as an adult if there is someone in need, I try to help. Our trip to Thailand was to help with organizations that are fighting against sex trafficking, and my family and I are huge supporters of Compassion International. Why? Because, Christ says we are a body and we’re all in it together. (1 Corinthians 12:12-31) And I believe in sticking up for people who are in bad situations and can’t stick up for themselves at the moment. Hoping that one day they will pay it forward, too.
While in the hospital I was in a lot of pain and wasn’t sure of the rollercoaster I was about to go on. I asked Andrew to post on Facebook for prayer. I didn’t expect hundreds of people to show support. This showed me the beauty of people coming together and regained my faith in humanity. A mix of all beliefs poured out encouragement and that seriously brought me to tears when I read them.
So now, I’m at home and I’m grateful to be alive, and I’m grateful for my family and friends. I’ve always desired a slow life, and now I have it. When someone is talking to me I put down my phone. When things get too serious, I have to laugh. Every moment with others count.
Bad attitudes aren’t worth the time. Anger isn’t worth it. Un-forgiveness is not worth it. The past is the past and people make mistakes. There’s too much to be thankful for, and all the negative stuff isn’t worth keeping around. It’s such a drag!
The first day I came home from the hospital I woke up with a huge bruise on my right hand. Maybe I held too much tension in it while I slept. Andrew couldn’t hold my hand without it hurting. Today, it’s much better. And we watched some of the Dallas / Green Bay game together holding hands! I took a nap and woke up to the end of the 4th quarter, where I asked questions and took a genuine interest in football. Who am I? Hey, if it’s what my husband likes, I want to be interested in it, too.
One of my pastors wrote a blog about responding to pain with faith, and letting Jesus in the recovery. I read it while in the hospital and I have to re-read it while I’m at home. This humility of trusting God’s timing to be 100% has pushed me to truly trust Him with everything. I wanted to walk around the mall on Friday and I took a shower and changed my clothes a couple times to find a comfortable outfit, and I got so tired I took a nap. FAIL. Not today, Kalani, is what I had to tell myself. Instead, I spent time reading, and spending time with my mom.
That was hard for me to accept because I’m usually a high energy, multi-tasking busy body who thrives on being productive. So back to letting Jesus in my recovery..
In my devotions and in messages I’ve been listening to, they are pointing to the same thing. At the end of my self-sufficiency is total dependence on God. I am learning to depend on Him, and only Him for my strength, my next move, my next breath, and to provide.
Cheers to you 2017!
So far you’ve showed me my aptitude of strength, the healing power of love, and to look to the future with hope! In the future I will not complain when I have to work because I am looking forward to doing some hair and makeup! And I will not complain about exercising, I’ll just remember to be grateful for a body that can move.
Perspective. It’s all about perspective.